What is going on in my head

WARNING RANDOM THOUGHTS AND RANTS MAY OCCUR. ALSO THIS MAY END UP BEING VERY LONG SO THE FAINT OF HEART SHOULD PROBABLY NOT READ.

So I have been thinking a lot. I am worried about next year, I have no idea if I am in hall council next year found out that on the 20th, hopefully, I will know whether or not I have a second interview with Jon and Jenny. Grrrrrrrrr, because of this I have no idea if I have to search for 1 or 3 guys to room with for next year! Also I must say that the apartments are looking more and more appealing.

Another BEEEG thought, my friends from High School, its just more grrrrrrrr, they are idiots most of them, they do stupid things and then get mad when I don't condone their stupid and reckless activities. Also some of those idiots manipulate and attack other ones who are better. Reason 4 I don't like breaks.

Reason 3 My parents need to give me my personal space Gahh! In order to have a good break I need to lock my door and plan activities to escape, Gahh! Leave me alone. Maybe if you give me my space I would be more apt to tell you stuff. Bah!

Reason 2: lack of mode of transportation

Reason 1 that will remain a secret, im not going to reveal my whole going ons.

I like math, but Atwood I don't know about, the thought to transfer to the motherland (Olivet Naz) has crossed my mind. I mean they were talking about trying to get a math genius from the Michigan District who attended High Pointe church (FYI Me). A tempting offer I know.

So my sister has a hidden xanga like I do

I dont like my LJ project, it is a bit much, especially tonight I know I said I was fine, but someone who was good at reading people would know that it was a bit much. I think I might take a week off I have enough chapels to cover it. I am currently working on a plan to get all the groups together for like a singing thingy, partially cause I know the kids will like it, but mainly cause I can't handle direct leadership with these kids, informal would be best for me.

I wonder sometimes if I will ever trust people; sometimes I get close and then something happens to make me back off. I am waiting and praying for God to basically force me to trust someone, until then I don't think I could really date, not just til the end of this year.

OH HERE'S A BIG ONE, I am tired of being a standard, some see me as a standard and try to break me so they dont feel so bad when they do something stupid, others put me on this pedistal and think, wow he's a good one, the latter one I hate the worst. I don't want that set upon me. I can't handle the need to be perfect. I am going to fail eventually. And um goodness, I also can't handle people constantly saying I know everything. NEWS FLASH I DON'T! I also can't see what others see. I hear from people, you are going to go places, you are going to be great. What happens if I am not? I can't handle that pressure. I found when under pressure I get cold and stoic, my logic gets very sharp and my rapier wit cuts quickly and deep.

Also over break, I found out stuff, stuff I don't want to know. My family has been carrying a house for over a year now and it is really putting my family under financial stress, I am best off in my family and that doesn't sit well with me. Also one "chilvarous" person I found out isn't. I would like to think better of him, but I know deep down that he isn't this good person he facades to be. I would like to think the best in people but they just seem to let me down. I know people who will purposely do stupid things and not care and thing they are good people, and good people who struggle with things and think they are horrible people.

I worry sometimes about whether or not I will see my friends again, like on the other side of eternity, morbid I know but so are a lot of thoughts in my over active imagination, although some are very positive, like creating my own dorms (Prindle Hall, you have to admit it sounds like a dorm) and road trips to Muskegon or Battle Creek, sometime I hope to expand out of state.

What else, I sometimes wonder what the world would be like if I didn't exist, not my friends though I don't want to think about that.

I have a great LJ group although we aren't as close as some of the others, well I am not that close to them. Sometimes it bothers me to be called an honorary tree straddler.

I don't like apathy, especially political apathy, our country is going down the drain because People don't care they would rather hide in their churches and say Politics is to tainted to be touched.

I also don't like tubed meat its just gross, and fish sticks, or country music

I do like cookie dough ice cream, and though you wouldn't believe it if I told you in person, salads, they are delicious when made right.

My appetite has lessened as of late, it just randomly cut in half. I don't pray enough and when I do it winds up being a really long list of things I want for other people, with very little adoration or thanksgiving.

What gets at me is that I know all the answers about Christianity, I know what is truth, I know a lot, not quite sure I believe it though. Is knowing the same as believing? If you know please tell me.

Well this has gotten ferociously long and its only hit the surface, I don't trust a whole lot to the public, even the select few who know about this. If you ever want to know how far the rabbithole goes, it won't be on here I can tell you that much.